I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
