Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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