So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
