The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
