How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Go christen that room with your naked body.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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