I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
