Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
