you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My balls are so social today.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
