before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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