i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wish there were birth control emojis
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
