I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
