There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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