you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
