Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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