I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
