at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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