also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
