There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
