I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
