shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
