Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
