My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
