Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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