I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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