im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
