I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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