New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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