he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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