If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
