I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
