After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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