My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
