I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
