If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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