Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Randomize
