wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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