i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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