I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
