I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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