living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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