end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
