My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
