I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
whose parrot is this?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
