Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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