This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
