My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
