I look better un-naked...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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