Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
there's paper in my vomit.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's blow job season.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
