i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
