i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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