I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
