Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
