Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
