i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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