i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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