I met the friendliest cop last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
