Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
