ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
