i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize