I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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